Where's My Light?

My light,
Where has it gone?
I once knew how to be me... so well,
Perceiving life with pure wonder and excitement.

My light,
Where are you hiding?
I once knew how to write,
Stories of people and animals.

My light,
Why have you faded away?
I once wrote lyrics,
Sang songs from my soul.

My light,
When did you start to disappear?
I once would dance away,
Every part of my body fluid to music.

My light,
Did the world rob me of being me?
I once exuded love, wonder and creativity,
I want that light to grow and live in me again.

Missing him (Kruger)

Missing my dear beloved Kruger,
Suddenly had a flashback of how tightly I held him,
How I smelled his head,
As he got injected once, and then twice,
Breathing life for the last time,
I don't know why I allow myself to reopen old wounds,
I was just missing him so much,
Irreplaceable, that's what he is ><"

A Child I Once Was

 I wanna be a child forever and look at things as magical as they were once,
 I wanna be a child again, before my mind was blackened with complicated emotion,
 I wanna be a child again, where everything is simple and miraculous, even that dead ant on the floor.

Amazing Grace

The beginning is the hardest parts, it has been years since I’ve written. Stef just told me about her good friend’s tragic death, she showed me his FB pic, I also just watched Amazing Grace , the story of how slavery was abolished in England, and !@#$$%^^^.  Feeling rather messed up cause we were delayed with our work, did not take the bus, fought with a biatch at the cyber café cause of some problem when printing our assignments. All in all, the theme for today was LIFE. I was feeling uneasy now, maybe because I’m all restless in life. After watching Amazing Grace, it further stirred my heart. What are we here for? Are some of us just chosen? Similar to what Stef said, all of us have a calling, whether we wish to pursue it or not is out decision. I’ve had all sorts of ‘callings’ such as wanting to be Gerald Durrel, wanting to be a vet, wanting to save street kids, wanting to shelter dogs and save strays, wanting all sorts… Dr. Lee, my Somewhere Over the Rainbow lecturer used to say, if we die now, what are we remembered for?  What have we contributed to society? I want to make a change, yes I do but I don’t know how. I am sure being a teacher has made me change in so many ways more than me changing my kids. It heals me with my past regrets, it comforts me teaching. But am I to do that for the rest of my life. Just like something I read before, the most fruitful and happiest people are those that fight for others and help in all ways those who are helpless, very Biblical and true. I don’t want my life like any other, I want it to be God’s working Grace, I am sure it already is. Whatever my calling, I wish to be strong in facing it, in going through with it and standing for it. Getting to be 28 and having all your friends make great life choices makes you think. Am I stagnant because I am afraid of taking the next step? Or is it just timing?  Stef was telling me I should do the things I love like photography and art.  I was so happy when she told me that, probably the only person who has encouraged me. I think I easily left off on writing and the things I wanted cause I was easily discouraged and easily hurt. I feel everything is changing, I am discovering what I love, and I don’t want my life to be full of I’s anymore. I want to open my eyes and see all the miracles and love poured out to me each second of my life, I want the words : I was blind but now I see, come to pass. 

~ TIRED SOUL ~

Tired soul

The place seems dim,

 There is a cloud of heaviness on my eye lids

I stay awake with the resounding memories of the day

I have to, I have to push myself

Helplessness in the soul

A hot wind of discouragement

Feeling in the darkness of mystery

Weakness drops over me

Like a weight of a hundred yawns

Goodnight world…

CRUSHED

As the cold dries my lips,

Ironically........

I feel a stinging pain,

In the depth of my heart,

The pain that cannot be mentioned,

Ironically.............

This cancer within me is caused,

By a being that is part of me,

Part of my heart.

Ironically.............

I'd do anything for this creature,

Eventhough it pains me with insults.

Ironically...............

The one you care most,

You can never open up to,

because of the fright of rejection.

Ironically....................

I pray with each day that passes,

I will learn to forget the pain and look into the LIGHT within this creature.

A Heroine that has fallen once again!

Why is it that things can look so good at one time and then deceiving the next. Many times I am asked to believe in things but later I am duped and caught in dissappointment. Where does it all end? Maybe I put my hopes and dreams in unreachable heights without managing to work on it.

I feel worthless... I guess all of us do but some at most times. I guess God seriously has to play apart in all these aspects of life. This is to make sure his fellow creations don't fall to the edge..its easy to do that when you're desperate. Desperate for an answer, desperate to find companionship at the wrong places, desperate to be found, desperate to be heard and desperate to be noticed. Time and planning can only heal the wounds that have re-opened itself.

Well, I guess whoever who would read this would be as clueless as a well-polished bench. It's just that I feel I am an actress on stage without a clue what my next line is, without a clue how I might feel and I just keep taking the wrong steps. It's like I never learn! I ain't dealing with LIFE very well. I should take a step backwards and see myself. But all I see is bluriness and numbness. Have you ever felt that way? They say the Truth will set you Free...most times the Truth hurts so much I have become such a pessimist in everything. How am I supposed to become a good teacher at this rate? Sometimes, actually most times I never see myself as a teacher.

Let's hope getting back to Uni improves my state of mind or I might end up a loony-bin trying to understand other people through myself. It's not healthy doing that cause It isn't about other people...it ends up only about yourself(a warning)...so empathy is the word I guess.

My screws are loose,

Scarabees the Dung Beetle!