A Child I Once Was

 I wanna be a child forever and look at things as magical as they were once,
 I wanna be a child again, before my mind was blackened with complicated emotion,
 I wanna be a child again, where everything is simple and miraculous, even that dead ant on the floor.

Amazing Grace

The beginning is the hardest parts, it has been years since I’ve written. Stef just told me about her good friend’s tragic death, she showed me his FB pic, I also just watched Amazing Grace , the story of how slavery was abolished in England, and !@#$$%^^^.  Feeling rather messed up cause we were delayed with our work, did not take the bus, fought with a biatch at the cyber café cause of some problem when printing our assignments. All in all, the theme for today was LIFE. I was feeling uneasy now, maybe because I’m all restless in life. After watching Amazing Grace, it further stirred my heart. What are we here for? Are some of us just chosen? Similar to what Stef said, all of us have a calling, whether we wish to pursue it or not is out decision. I’ve had all sorts of ‘callings’ such as wanting to be Gerald Durrel, wanting to be a vet, wanting to save street kids, wanting to shelter dogs and save strays, wanting all sorts… Dr. Lee, my Somewhere Over the Rainbow lecturer used to say, if we die now, what are we remembered for?  What have we contributed to society? I want to make a change, yes I do but I don’t know how. I am sure being a teacher has made me change in so many ways more than me changing my kids. It heals me with my past regrets, it comforts me teaching. But am I to do that for the rest of my life. Just like something I read before, the most fruitful and happiest people are those that fight for others and help in all ways those who are helpless, very Biblical and true. I don’t want my life like any other, I want it to be God’s working Grace, I am sure it already is. Whatever my calling, I wish to be strong in facing it, in going through with it and standing for it. Getting to be 28 and having all your friends make great life choices makes you think. Am I stagnant because I am afraid of taking the next step? Or is it just timing?  Stef was telling me I should do the things I love like photography and art.  I was so happy when she told me that, probably the only person who has encouraged me. I think I easily left off on writing and the things I wanted cause I was easily discouraged and easily hurt. I feel everything is changing, I am discovering what I love, and I don’t want my life to be full of I’s anymore. I want to open my eyes and see all the miracles and love poured out to me each second of my life, I want the words : I was blind but now I see, come to pass.