A Child I Once Was

 I wanna be a child forever and look at things as magical as they were once,
 I wanna be a child again, before my mind was blackened with complicated emotion,
 I wanna be a child again, where everything is simple and miraculous, even that dead ant on the floor.

Amazing Grace

The beginning is the hardest parts, it has been years since I’ve written. Stef just told me about her good friend’s tragic death, she showed me his FB pic, I also just watched Amazing Grace , the story of how slavery was abolished in England, and !@#$$%^^^.  Feeling rather messed up cause we were delayed with our work, did not take the bus, fought with a biatch at the cyber café cause of some problem when printing our assignments. All in all, the theme for today was LIFE. I was feeling uneasy now, maybe because I’m all restless in life. After watching Amazing Grace, it further stirred my heart. What are we here for? Are some of us just chosen? Similar to what Stef said, all of us have a calling, whether we wish to pursue it or not is out decision. I’ve had all sorts of ‘callings’ such as wanting to be Gerald Durrel, wanting to be a vet, wanting to save street kids, wanting to shelter dogs and save strays, wanting all sorts… Dr. Lee, my Somewhere Over the Rainbow lecturer used to say, if we die now, what are we remembered for?  What have we contributed to society? I want to make a change, yes I do but I don’t know how. I am sure being a teacher has made me change in so many ways more than me changing my kids. It heals me with my past regrets, it comforts me teaching. But am I to do that for the rest of my life. Just like something I read before, the most fruitful and happiest people are those that fight for others and help in all ways those who are helpless, very Biblical and true. I don’t want my life like any other, I want it to be God’s working Grace, I am sure it already is. Whatever my calling, I wish to be strong in facing it, in going through with it and standing for it. Getting to be 28 and having all your friends make great life choices makes you think. Am I stagnant because I am afraid of taking the next step? Or is it just timing?  Stef was telling me I should do the things I love like photography and art.  I was so happy when she told me that, probably the only person who has encouraged me. I think I easily left off on writing and the things I wanted cause I was easily discouraged and easily hurt. I feel everything is changing, I am discovering what I love, and I don’t want my life to be full of I’s anymore. I want to open my eyes and see all the miracles and love poured out to me each second of my life, I want the words : I was blind but now I see, come to pass. 

~ TIRED SOUL ~

Tired soul

The place seems dim,

 There is a cloud of heaviness on my eye lids

I stay awake with the resounding memories of the day

I have to, I have to push myself

Helplessness in the soul

A hot wind of discouragement

Feeling in the darkness of mystery

Weakness drops over me

Like a weight of a hundred yawns

Goodnight world…

CRUSHED

As the cold dries my lips,

Ironically........

I feel a stinging pain,

In the depth of my heart,

The pain that cannot be mentioned,

Ironically.............

This cancer within me is caused,

By a being that is part of me,

Part of my heart.

Ironically.............

I'd do anything for this creature,

Eventhough it pains me with insults.

Ironically...............

The one you care most,

You can never open up to,

because of the fright of rejection.

Ironically....................

I pray with each day that passes,

I will learn to forget the pain and look into the LIGHT within this creature.

A Heroine that has fallen once again!

Why is it that things can look so good at one time and then deceiving the next. Many times I am asked to believe in things but later I am duped and caught in dissappointment. Where does it all end? Maybe I put my hopes and dreams in unreachable heights without managing to work on it.

I feel worthless... I guess all of us do but some at most times. I guess God seriously has to play apart in all these aspects of life. This is to make sure his fellow creations don't fall to the edge..its easy to do that when you're desperate. Desperate for an answer, desperate to find companionship at the wrong places, desperate to be found, desperate to be heard and desperate to be noticed. Time and planning can only heal the wounds that have re-opened itself.

Well, I guess whoever who would read this would be as clueless as a well-polished bench. It's just that I feel I am an actress on stage without a clue what my next line is, without a clue how I might feel and I just keep taking the wrong steps. It's like I never learn! I ain't dealing with LIFE very well. I should take a step backwards and see myself. But all I see is bluriness and numbness. Have you ever felt that way? They say the Truth will set you Free...most times the Truth hurts so much I have become such a pessimist in everything. How am I supposed to become a good teacher at this rate? Sometimes, actually most times I never see myself as a teacher.

Let's hope getting back to Uni improves my state of mind or I might end up a loony-bin trying to understand other people through myself. It's not healthy doing that cause It isn't about other people...it ends up only about yourself(a warning)...so empathy is the word I guess.

My screws are loose,

Scarabees the Dung Beetle!

BLOOD DIAMOND!!!

BLOOD DIAMOND

Define the word to be dependent. Is it to go to the throngs of life because of abandonment? Or is it a figment of the imagination. Emotions have been a yo-yo, whether to forgive and forget or just forget. Forget about the hurt or just keep away. As time flies, the identity of what was thought to be diminishes. Have we been living a tale, a tale of two hearts and two emotions welled up. So mixed up it becomes poison and burns the heart. Is this suffocation going to make me mad and frenzying for a way out. Becoming critical and keeping shadows in the soul hurts and melts the trust. When will this ever end, when would light come through, when do we know when we’re right.

The time has come to search within, within the spectrum of our souls. To find something from within, a diamond we can hang upon, a diamond that would make what we ought to be. Not a shadow or an outline of another gem. Celebration seems to fall in space but with what span of time do we rally have. Anticipation, prayers, thoughts, reminiscing fills our sponges, what has time for us next? A riddle we all think we solve but keep falling under the wheel of life. Only to be crushed, not once, but into gazillion pieces that we need to piece together in one single entity of emotion.

We have become as some say, a horrific tune that would be deemed as banshees screaming. Like how, unpolished diamonds scream to be heard, to be appreciated. Charcoal fills the heart; invisible blackness steals fresh newness in our breath. We feel guilt when we are innocent. The harmony of life has become a string of unattached nothingness.

A hole even though empty would never experience emptiness and such remorse on being stranded in a dessert. For a hole in itself lie many secrets, secrets of life and colour, of evil and good. Or of both. Of meaningful life, a hole means something even with its vast blackness, a hole has another side. An empty street with an aching voice is what we face, as empty shadows pass, time seeps through fingers like wind between bones.

The cold can freeze a heart to dismay, a brooding cough of phlegm and disease and an acid ness fills the air. Choking has become a norm, an atmosphere. This is not a delusion any more. Delusions are meant for fools, nightmares are meant for black heroes. How do we get to the other side, where the sun shines, calling to come, and calling to be burnt and get back down the wheel.

Sorrow feels the mind of the unspoken, dwell in what is murky, and one becomes an infected part of lifelessness, death. Where would life take us next? Deeper into a hole, where a grave waits for us. Or maybe up the wheel, giving us glory, and crushing the diamond into pieces of lifeless granite, once it touches the ground. Real diamonds are meant to fade, fade into the dusk, and fade into the air we breathe, that burns us…….

How sarah feels right now in her life (thats how i felt in 2007)

~emo~

I am what you call an emo with a little bit of pink